I will not fear because I know you are near.

I have been spending a lot of time meditating on “Fear”.  Recently, I have thought about the times in my life that I have felt this crippling, pulse racing, sweaty palms, heart racing feeling and recollected how I dealt with the emotions.  I have noticed as I have aged (and, yes, sometimes that aging is a direct result of having dealt with fear) in the most trying times of my life I have learned that when I focus on others and keep busy I remain the most calm.  When my father was dying and I was moving through my divorce, simultaneously, the quiet moments when I was alone were the most difficult.  When I was caring for my father or throwing myself full throttle into my kids lives, work, or trying to round up help or organize an event for Hope and Friendship I was the most undeterred by the worry of what was and what could be.  I have also found that by opening my eyes, ears and offering myself to others who are walking through tumultuous times has strengthened my belief that it even in the most difficult and trying of situations, it could be worse.  I have also repeated in my head and heart quite often, trying to calm my potential panic:  “it’s not life or death”. From having sat beside those who were facing death it truly resonates the importance of being able to propel yourself through any experience knowing, in some way or form, you will emerge on the other side of this trying time.  Possible bruised and with a few battle scars, but stronger, wiser and hopefully having grown in your faith, perspectives and priority management.   

Today is the day I have feared for a very long time.  I will begin a chapter of my life that will leave me different in physical, emotional and spiritual form, hopefully stronger than I’ve even been in each and every way.

I lean on the words written in my favorite book at times like this, at times when I am feeling grateful, confused, curious, or just bored (yes, I can experience that feeling).  For the past week as this day has catapulted toward me at breakneck speed, I have been reading words of comfort that I will hope to recall as and when I need them.   “Be not afraid”, “Fear not”, “Let not your heart be troubled” or some derivative of calming assurance is in one way or another is repeatedly found throughout my favorite book.  Some have written that to a degree of 365 times:  One for each day of comforting assurance through the year.  Last night as I was again reviewing these words of counsel a friend, who had no knowledge of my recent quest for studying these verses, sent me this:
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  Deuteronomy 31:8

Not knowing what I had been and was currently doing she messaged me that verse.  How is that possible??  I was so inspired by what many would label a “coincidence” or “fluke”, that I immediately felt the calm of knowing that I was being reassured by One who understood my fear and offered me a hug via words from my favorite book.

No one is immune to fear.  Even Jesus experienced the grips of fear.  Jesus dropped to his knees the night before his what he knew would be a most cruel and vicious death, and prayed with such fervor, physical exertion and fear that he shed droplets of blood.  I have researched this often on many sites and have repeatedly found that it is indeed a fact that one can experience this.    

“Although this medical condition is relatively rare, according to Dr. Frederick Zugibe (Chief Medical Examiner of Rockland County, New York) it is well-known, and there have been many cases of it. The clinical term is “hematohidrosis.” “Around the sweat glands, there are multiple blood vessels in a net-like form.” Under the pressure of great stress the vessels constrict. Then as the anxiety passes “the blood vessels dilate to the point of rupture. The blood goes into the sweat glands.” As the sweat glands are producing a lot of sweat, it pushes the blood to the surface - coming out as droplets of blood mixed with sweat.” (www.christiananswers.net)

I guess in a twisted way it calms me to know that I am being comforted by one that understands, experienced a fear to an extreme that I hope to never feel, walked through it and is offering me encouragement through His word via a friend unaware that she was delivering a assurance that He knows, understands and will be with me as each page of this Chapter is turned. I just love how He weaves peace through the fabric of life’s storms. 

Before Christmas I told Andrew’s parents (www.walkwithandrew.com) that it is not I who should be thanked and recognized, it is I who needs to continually express thanks to those whom I have been blessed to cross paths with, help, care for, befriend, who have truly have enriched me, inspired me, and strengthened my faith, resolve and determination to not allow fear to weaken me.  I have received the richest blessing to have walked through some of the most difficult chapters of friend’s lives and have been strengthened by being allowed to be present with them when they emerge on the other side of fear.  You can have more placed in your backpack than you can handle. I have repeatedly witnessed those who have been burdened with that unbearable load, who simply would have retreated to the corner of their home and to curl up in the fetal position, delivered the grace and strength of reinforcements and help.  Persons (friends, family, walking angels) circle around them and team up to help walk them through the most trying times.  What a blessing it has been to see that gift offered over and over and over. 

As I move through today toward the time of my back surgery (the last surgery of the day- which I know is only an added bonus to make my “conquering fear life lesson” more challenging), I will be flipping through the experiences and persons I have been blessed to be strengthened by.  I will lean on the hope that when I come through the surgery the physical, emotional and spiritual trials that I walk through will season me to be a better person, friend, leader, counselor, and conduit of peace, hope, faith and love.  I am afraid.  You cannot sign a Living Will or Power of Attorney, be told countless stories of failed and botched surgeries, and not have doubt rumble through your head.  I write this as I my last task for the day before I head to the hospital because I as I needed to be comforted by words I know there is someone else who might need that same comfort and I hope this finds you.  Fear will only cripple you if you allow it to. Battle it knowing you are in my thoughts and prayers.  I am comforted knowing that others are offering the same to me at this juncture.   Open yourself up to being comforted by every single embrace, offer, and seek words of comfort and strength. 

This article contains many verses of comfort to encourage and propel you through this chapter. 

http://musingsofaministerswife.com/2012/08/so-how-many-times-is-fear-not-actually-in-the-bible/

I look forward to writing again soon describing how I looked fear in the eyes through this chapter of life and was pulled through it by those whom I’ve been blessed to walk with, inspired by, loved and befriended, and by the words from my favorite book that resonated through my mind, heart and being strengthening me when I felt most weak.  

Wishing you much peace, love and strength in your trials,

Terri